Philip Excelsior Suspenders
Stylist and World Renownd Designer
Ineterview by Joseph Foulk
Philip Excelsior Suspenders, inventor of trends, designer for the mind body and soul, and this decade’s new “Material boy”. But life wasn’t always this glamorous for Philip. At the age of ten years old, a non-nomadic tribe of Gypsies known as the Stevenson’s kidnapped him. What was even stranger was that this tribe lived directly next to the house which Phillip’s family lived. Even stranger was that the Stevenson’s weren’t a tribe at all, but more a newly married couple who had trouble conceiving. If you were to look closer at this it might seem that Phillip had simply wandered into their yard and never returned home. Upon even closer inspections it might seem that maybe his Military parents already had enough kids (5) and were frankly “put off” by Phillips lack of “Manly qualities” and his pension for the ole “tuck and tape” routine, that they didn’t seem to mind his absence. Whatever the case may be it was moments like these that made him the enigmatic and eccentric Philip Excelsior “Stevenson” Suspenders.
JF: Phillip, it appears that you led a very interesting life. Allot of ups and downs and hardships along the way. Is there any advice you can give to your fans who might be experiencing the same problems?
PS: When the shoe fits, cut off your toes to provide yourself with a little wiggle room. You may then need to then reassess your needs and decide if the shoes, were in fact, the right fit. But even easier to swallow is don’t be fooled by the world, it is in fact rooting against you.
JF: What made you want to become a designer?
PS: Lies and shitty clothes. The first ten years of my life were spent void of clear vision. It wasn’t until my kidnapping that I finally got my first pair of glasses. That was the first time I noticed just how shitty my outfits were. Later that night I burned all of my clothes in the dishwasher.
JF: Now your clothing line is very controversial because it is all manufactured in sweat shops. It is also rumored that you encourage the workers to bleed on your clothes so as to provide a “unique quality only achieved by small bloody hands”. This is a pretty morbid subject, especially in America. Can you explain you philosophy behind this?
PS: Of course. Lets use the entertainment industry, LA specifically, as an example. There are, by far, more people in Hollywood vying for these jobs than there are actual jobs in the industry and Hollywood knows this. Which is why you can hire someone for a bag of Hot Fries to open your doors, make your reservations and smell your farts. Now why would you pay top dollar for a professional door opener or methane analyzer when you can hire some starry eyed kid from St Louis, for next to nothing, to sit around and snort ass lines all day. In reality I look at it like this. It is not like there are any real jobs to be had in some of these countries anyway so something that pays is better than nothing that doesn’t. Heartless, maybe. Rich, most definitely.
JF: You seem to catch what's in the air before so many of the other fashion designers do. How do you explain your perfect timing? Are you psychic?
PS: Not psychic exactly but I have what I like to call a time machine. My time machine consists of a Barcha lounger a bottle of absinthe and my favorite record.
JF: So you basically get “faced” and that is where your inspiration comes from?
PS: No, I basically get sick and puke for an hour or so. It is during that moment in between heaves and being cold faced on the bathroom tile when it all starts to flood in. This is why I always tell models to bring a tape recorder in the bathroom with them while they “work out”. They start doing that and we start buying electronics from the Moss-Klum company.
JF: How did you get involved with the Imps?
PS: Many people do not know this but one of them is actually my estranged brother.
JF: May we ask which one?
PS: No, you may not. I got involved with the Imps at a dunk tank expo.
JF: Dunk tank expo?
PS: Yes, the annual dunk tank expo draws allot of like-minded individuals looking for affordable dunk tanks for their studio. It is definitely not a well known fact but many famous artist have done quite well and attributed their success, although not publicly, to the soothing appeal of being just a strike away from getting all wet.
JF: Tell us about your experience working with the Imps.
PS: Well, let me first say that those boys exude more manliness than a giant walking boner driving a suped Up F-150 wrapped in bacon and fueled by steak sauce. But secondly and more importantly they have the kind of vision that both infuriates and excites the average artist. Their ability to have fun in their art really shines through. They are not held back by convention and are able to make people laugh at even the most disgusting scenarios.
JF: Are there any secrets that you know involving the Imps?
PS: An artist who keeps a secret is like a chemist who works at Jamba Juice. If you are looking to uncover some gnarly dark secrets about the Imps then I suggest staring at their photos for a while… it’s all there, like the back of Highlights magazine, just waiting to be discovered.
JF: On the recent calendar they did, what was your biggest challenge.
PS: Staying greasy. Although these boys are as hedero as a Kennedy they do love to be greased up. Being the designer and not in the photos, I assumed I was clear of the mandatory greasings, but was way off with that assumption.
JF: You were one of the original pioneers of the Douche look. What inspired that?
PS: That should be pretty obvious. The douches of the world are growing in numbers and I wanted to capture that either before they went extinct or to simply hold a mirror up to that culture in hopes of providing them with a realization of just how retarded they look.
JF: What makes a douche bag? Is a douche bag mutually exclusive with the douche look?
PS: They come in all forms but you really need the douche persona to make the clothes react correctly. A true douche has been told in some faint breeze that they and only they are the secret leaders of the planet Earth. They have been chosen to rule the world and therefore they must act like King Douche. Typical symptoms are an over abundance of confidence, a very gravity effected swagger, a loud voice that generally lacks logic and or reason and above all an abrasiveness and willingness to fight that rivals that of the most primitive of aggressors. The douche bag look is fairly simple; it is a mixture of mesh hats with flat bills, high black socks, expensive yet pointless belts, loud and obnoxious tattoos and generally thoughtless and mindless t-shirt designs. This can of course be accessorized with raised trucks and retarded bumper stickers. Douche Bags can and are also referred to as the Rednecks of the West, Bra Dudes and Retarded Monkey Sheep.
JF: Philip, what is the future of the douche look?
PS: Well, it is believed that once Bush leaves the office that so too will the Docuhe Trend. Problem is that the douche has been around for years, they have simply evolved, from other detestable styles. For me creating the Douche Bag line was more of an art experiment. I wanted to see just how many people would get the joke. It turns out that only about 5% got the joke. The other 95% seemed to really dig it. On one hand it was good for me on the other there are that many more douche bags running around who don’t really get the irony of their “look”.
JF: Lastly, if you could change the world what would you do.
PS: Nothing. Not a damned thing. People don’t change worlds, asteroids and physics do.
